I turn 30 tomorrow.

Holy smokes that title makes my knees go weak. So does writing my first blog.

There are 15 words above. I know that because all I’ve done for the past 15 minutes is stare at them, and at a rate of 1 word per minute I think I might fail at my new life as a kitesurfing, travelling, ‘blogger’. I really have a lot to learn.

As the above suggests, I’m turning 30 tomorrow — it’s a big birthday — but it also signifies a lot for me, not least the start of 14 days before I leave the UK for 12 months with only my faithful kites and boards, in a bid to become the kitesurfing mega babe I’ve always wanted to be… or just a slightly chubby, hairy beach bum with tangled hair...

So, this is the beginning. Day 1. I guess this first blog should be all about the ‘why’.

I have spent the most part of 30 years simply loving life — everything about it, early mornings, strangers, new beginnings. I’ve been surrounded by loyal and true friends; a beautiful, close family; I have been in real love; real lust; and I have managed to bag myself a couple of successful mini careers. I like to think I’m confident, adventurous and I thrive off the happiness of other people.

It’s only with the exposure of mindfulness and thinking out loud that I let myself reflect and almost a year ago today, I reassessed my life. In hindsight, I can now admit to having had a funny couple of years.

For some reason, which I think I understand now, I had grown ashamed of my confidence. So I lost it. Honestly? I was a bit all over the place, I remember crying from the deepest darkest part of my heart on the floor of my bedroom while three of my best friends sat on my bed and watched, consoled and soothed me, dumbfounded. I didn’t suit that person and it felt alien to be so helpless in my own decisions.

It took a lot to make some big changes and stepping outside of my comfort zone. I let the nasty loneliness goblin bubble up, burst out and then quietly and proudly disappear.

The cure? When you’re sad, cry. When you’re happy, laugh. It is as simple as that.

Ok, it’s not that easy and you have to have Pokemon style battles between your heart and your mind sometimes but — the sadness doesn’t go away unless you let it out and the happiness doesn’t stay unless you let your mind enjoy it.

I’m lucky enough to have a Mum and Sister that will always say the right thing even if it hurts, a Grandmother that makes my cheeks hurt from laughter (especially once she’s sunk a few gins) and friends that from the bottom of my heart cannot be replaced, not one of them.

And now? I really am back. My shoulders feel looser, my head feels lighter, I know who I am and I don’t know what I want — and that’s the beauty. I have taken the leap from the corporate slog and I am about to embark on a year spending my days travelling, kitesurfing, reading and doing all the things that I’ve never had the time to do. I’m going to put myself first for a full year, I take no shame in that and I cannot wait to totally and utterly indulge.

Ok, this got a bit preachy and a bit deep, but hopefully it strikes a chord with a few people. Friends, family and independence are ultimately the most important things for me. Learning to be yourself, understand your weaknesses and build on your strengths, that is what I aim to do — and I’m going to bore you with my cringeworthy thoughts by thinking out loud.

I hope you enjoy following me, ’applaud’ below so I know you’re there!

Current location: Bristol, UK | Next stop: Zanzibar, Tanzania (07.09.18)

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